Category Archives: relationship with Jesus

Worship as Prudence

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I feel richly blessed to have a husband who is always brewing something in his head. He will disappear into a warp zone in his head and later I find that he has outlined a whole sermon. Yesterday, we had a coffee date and he preached to me, it was very romantic. I love his heart and how God talks to him. He isn’t one to zealously or enthusasically share his thoughts or teach me or others, when uninvited. Yet, if he is invited, prepare yourself for insight that changes you. God has gifted him with knowledge and the ability to communicate it well. He has taught me and inspired me, yet he is a prudent man. He has taught me over the years by his example to be cautious and obedient to Christ as to when and what to share with others. He worships in humility and prudence with his mind.

Proverbs 12: 23 A prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself, but the heart of fools blurts out folly.

This verse cuts at my heart. While, I am a passionate woman, I continue to be prone to speak my mind, heart, knowledge, insight, etc. Even as I blog, it is a matter of prayer. I go thru a process as I study–to desire Christ be glorified and not me, to be prudent with my knowledge and my heart.

Worship is prudence sometimes, because it takes the humility, dependence on Christ, a desire for God’s glory and not self, to RESTRAIN my lips, or in most cases, to RESTRAIN my fingers typing.

Worship is prudence if it brings my mind in submission to Christ and the joy that brings.

Fear of the Risen Lord!

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In celebrating Jesus this week, I am in awe specifically of the fear of the Risen Christ. Mary Magdelene and the other Mary were afraid when they saw the tomb empty and still afraid when the angel told them that Jesus was alive. Their fear of God was strong.

Matthew 28:5 The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. 7Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you. 8So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 9Suddenly Jesus met them. “Greetings,” he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. 10Then Jesus said to them, “Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me.”

“Afraid yet filled with Joy” I can’t imagine how they must have felt as they ran to tell their dear friends that the Lord was alive!

I have been pondering the fear of the Lord versus my fear of man, for awhile now. I am working thru a second time the book by Ed Welch’s book When People Are Big and God is Small. In this book, I have realized how deep my fear of man is and how shallow my fear of the Lord is. As I read this account of the “Marys, ” see them in a different way, somehow. I see them in wonder, awe, fear, curiousity, joy, and somehow I see them trembling with hope.

As I have confessed before and continue to see sin there, God is changing me! He is bringing me to a place of trust and fear. A peaceful anticipation of God’s presence and the riches that await me in my journey with him. As I experience Christ, I find worship in the mundane and unsignificant. I find Jesus giving me more often a trembling fear and joy at the same time, a new and precious experience.

“play with kids” is on my list

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My sin of giving my attention to tasks more than giving my attention to the eyes and hearts of those in my home hangs out in my heart daily.

God is at work. This is one reason why I am blogging this topic to show the journey of my repentance, to process, to practice writing more, to share with strangers, to not be motivated for feedback, to ultimately give God the glory for any of my heart change.

I am a list maker. My outlook calendar usually just has appointments/meetings/outings on it. My daily list has a schedule for the day. Starting at 6 am and ending at 10- on my list are all the things I want to accomplish. The first things I usually put down are the house chores. Second, my exercise and reading goals for the day. Thirdly, I glance at the schedule and see if there is room for leisure, like a nap, or more reading…

ON SOME DAYS, I remember to put down on the list things like: play little people 30 minutes, shoot hoops with Henry, set up fort downstairs for boys, etc. I have been so busy in the last few weeks, I have neglected playing with my children. I can so easily go into caretaker mommie, that I only take care of them and don’t also enjoy them, thru play, and relationship. This is HUGE for me.

Remember, Martha’s sin, my sin? My default tendencies are just like Martha’s in Luke 10, to be distracted with much, busy, yet not choosing the “good portion” at the right time. I have countless opportunities throughout my day, to stop and choose the hearts of my kids. I don’t want to just “manage” my children and house. These moments when we giggle together, play a board game together, when I play dolls with my daughter and use pretend voices, run races in the yard together, have impromptu puppet shows, those are the moments that the kids treasure, and yet those are not my first desires. Surviving the day, as I have blogged is maintaining work so constantly so to not accrue house debt.

Honestly, God has to be yelling at me to sometimes HEAR HIS VOICE to stop working and play. So, tomorrow- on my daily list will be play with each child their choice of toy/game. I don’t believe that God wants me to legalistically place play on my list each day, yet the sin I am convicted of right now suggests that am aware of God’s grace to give me the gift of time with my children. God is renewing my desire and my satisfaction in worshipping Jesus in work and THIS is YET ANOTHER act of seeing God.

thank you, Jesus!

Worship as Dependence on Jesus

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So much of our world tells us to be strong, independent, and confident. I grew up built on the foundation of independence and self-worth, and an ambitious feminism that gave me gigantic false confidence. Slowly, but surely, in God’s great love for me- He is changing my heart.

When I am in need- I am SO VERY SLOW to depend on Christ. When I am weary…

Matthew 10: 28“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Jesus is my example for Dependence:

Periodically, I think of my Lord Jesus, as a baby. I marvel at the Incarnation. Wrapping my brain around that point of theology- could possibly take years.  Nonetheless, I imagine Jesus sometimes as a young boy- because I have two sons. Sometimes we talk about Jesus as a son and how he never sinned, so he never got a spanking. My kids love to hear that, it gives them hope! He was the best brother and son anyone could ever want. As a mom, as a Christian, I am amazed that God came as a man- I can imagine Jesus  as a baby, boy, then man. Still God-yet in his youth- fully dependent on Mary and Joseph- stewards of God.

As I care for my baby, I am humble by her “deep need” for me. Her survival is based on my caring for her.  I provide her food, clothing, soap, nurture, comfort, kisses, etc. Her dependence keeps her alive!  Gradually, she gains independence, which is good. Physically, she can start to care for herself. Like my oldest son, who showers himself, gets his own breakfast, dresses himself, and anything else I would like for him to do himself, he is capable. I like that! But, my husband and I desire our sons and daughters to still “depend” on us. We want them to gain understanding on how to live, function, work, but in their hearts depend on God. Emotionally, we pray that they depend on us, need us, long for sweet relationships, deep connection, and evenutally we will enjoy adult friendship with them.

Jesus is my example for how to depend on God. He matured physically yet he still depended on His father. Though, I am a sinner, Jesus still wants my dependence. It is worshipful for me to offer my weakness, boast in them, and with empty hands offer my dependence as worship.

When tempted in the wilderness, Jesus appealed to Father and quoted scriptures to fight against Satan. Jesus, again is the example for dependence. Jesus being God shows me that while he was a incarnate, He showed his dependence on His father.

God wants me to BOAST in my WEAKNESSES.

Most of the time, weakness and dependence are interchangeable for me. Yet, as Christ shows me my needs- He is showing me that it is could to boast in my weakness and needs- so that I will boast in my insufficiency and HIS AMAZING sufficiency.

1 Corinthians 10:30 If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.

Boasting in my weaknesses is worship? I must admit I am not capable to “do” my life. But, “in Christ, ” I am. I must confess that the weed of independence robs my heart of security God offers me. Independence is a lie. Dependence is worship.

Dependence on Jesus is increasing in my heart- quietly and consistently and it whispers I believe that Jesus is ABLE, FAITHFUL, and in my worship- I get to depend on GOD.

Choosing the “Good Portion”

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In continuing our look at Work and Worship, I am peering into the story of Martha, Mary, and Jesus in Luke 10. I have been meditating on worship and how my actions rarely reflect an attitude of worship. Often, my attitude as I work is an attitude of self-worship not worship of Jesus- just like my sister- Miss Martha.

I am zeroing in on: Luke 10:42 “but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

So, what is the good portion?
Many time in scripture, you find “portion” being associated with heritage, right, inheritance, or simply portion of land. Here are some examples where “portion” is used:

Psalm 119:57 The Lord is my portion; I promise to keep your words.
Psalm 142:5 I cry to you, O LORD; I say, “You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.”
Numbers 18:20 and the LORD said to Aaron, “You shall have no inheritance in their land, neither shall you have any portion among them. I am your portion and your inheritance among the people of Israel.

Jesus is the “portion” of Jacob, he is our “portion.” Yet, we so easily miss him. The whole Bible is unified and points us to Jesus. My whole life is meant to be about giving God glory, enjoying Him, being satisfied in Him- true worship. Yet, my distractions are set up as idols replacing Jesus. My attention, my worship is distracted.

In John Calvin’s commentary on this- he said-“Martha, by distracting her attention, and undertaking more labor than was necessary, deprived herself of the advantage of Christ’s visit.”

Martha chose to deprive herself by fluttering around distracted with much toil, and Mary chose the good portion. The portion was Christ himself.

Reminder of Grace: As God reveals His truth to me, I am comforted by Christ’s provisional grace to move in my heart, as HE SEEKS worshippers. My heart is being transformed, by grace. God is my portion, my desire, my REWARD!

Martha, Mary, and Worship

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For a few years, I have talked about a woman named Margaret. She is a fictitious woman I’ve made up, trying to understand the Martha and Mary story in Luke 10. I jokingly call the blend of both Martha and Mary “Margaret,” assuming that there must be a gal that is both a hard worker and a worshipper. My tag line in the Margaret story has been: “Sure, Mary had it right–setting at the Lord’s feet listening to his teaching–but hey! JESUS had to eat!”

But I am starting to grasp that Margaret isn’t the answer. I am starting to understand what Jesus meant when he said, “Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken from her.”

Martha:
All of my Christian life, I have heard about the differences between Martha and Mary. Often it is suggested that Martha is the stressed out sister concerned about tasks. She can’t relax because “there is much to be done.” Martha works hard but seems to lack the peace and worship that goes with working heartily unto the Lord. When God himself is a guest in her home she can’t even handle the pressure to perform the tasks. It seems as though that is all she is concerned with–the preparations. Check her out:

Luke 10:38-42 Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

Martha is distracted.
Distracted. Hmmm. Who does this resonate with? Me! For sure. I often find myself BUSY with much serving. Distracted from what? Why was Martha, or any of us, distracted? We think that what we’re doing is most important: the tasks and preparations. Jesus told Martha that she was anxious and troubled about many things. What was she troubled by? I can answer for myself. When I am like Martha–when I am not worshipping in work but JUST working–I am busy, frustrated, fast, and resentful. I resent it if my husband is in the room and not helping out in some way. My heart is troubled by the tasks yet to be done. I’m ticked that I have to do it all. Maybe I’m trying to enjoy the preparations. Yet inside my heart I’m looking for any opportunity to complain that I am going it alone. How foolish and self-focused I can be.

Martha is a tattle teller.
My kids do this all the time. They get frustrated and sin in their anger with their siblings because some offense has been done. Most of the time the other sibling has not sinned against the tattler. The tattler just wants their way.

Can’t you just picture Martha quietly working, yet raging in her heart? Her rage got the best of her. She wanted Mary to help her! Mary just sat there and listened to Jesus. Martha may have started out with a pure heart. She may have had a desire to be hospitable to the Lord, make him food, serve him. So when did her desire to serve turn to sin?

Again, imagine yourself, imagine me. I am working in the kitchen. I start preparing, and my heart is delighted that I have all the ingredients to make a delicious dinner for my family. I am chopping and peaceful. My husband walks in, kisses my cheek. He goes about his business. My kids start getting loud in the living room. I stop chopping and attend to their arguments. Then the baby cries. She needs breastfed. The preparations for this amazing meal have to stop.

Enter: my depravity. Why can’t I just get that done? Why do these kids need me too? Oh, but I love my children… Why does it take so long to make a dinner! I wish I could just focus. I say a prayer while nursing my baby and another riot breaks out among the other kids. My husband deals with that one. Thank you! Ok, back to busy preparations. I turn on some music to lighten the attitude in the air, denying the war in my heart. The kids start dancing in the kitchen. I take a break to dance too. They see this opportunity to ask me for a snack. Can’t they see I am making an amazing dinner!? If I could just finish it, they would be happy! I would be happy! Why?

Question! What God am I serving?

The war that was raging in me suggests that the god I am serving is The God of Accomplishment and Tasks. I am worshipping the God of self–me.

Martha was worshipping herself, not Jesus.
At some point, Martha transferred her worship from God to Self. God was actually in HER LIVING ROOM. I can’t believe her! How could she do this??? She could’ve set at His feet too and worshipped him, yet the war in her heart raged. She thought serving busily was the right thing to do. She eventually resented her sister. This sin developed because Martha’s heart wasn’t worshipping in work.

As I just shared, I do the same thing. I tattle-tell in my heart. I complain to God for the people in the house that take me from the more important things, the tasks. Martha complained to the Lord in person. But I do it too–in my heart. I have the same divided heart, tattle-telling while thinking I am serving with a pure heart.

The easy and false remedy for this heart issue would be simple behavior change: abandon tasks and enjoy relationship. Just throw preparations and work out the door and “Let the Good Times Roll!” Chill out, play, enjoy one another, read all the time, listen to preaching, sing worship songs, and give affection to everyone all the time, without doing tasks. I don’t think that is what Jesus is saying.

Martha didn’t choose the good portion.
Jesus told Martha, “but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” He was saying Mary made a choice. This is huge.

It is common to make this about Mary’s personality, thinking of her as “relationship gal.” She sets at Jesus’ feet and she probably is the kind of gal that loves people well. It is easy to imagine the stereotype of a good time gal that works when it is necessary, but has a lot of friends and would choose going out on the town to party instead of getting five loads of laundry done and the floors mopped. We will talk about Mary later, but my point is that Martha could’ve made a choice. Do I make the right choices?

I am not promoting a legalistic work model for a woman, here. By confessing my own sin, I desire to provoke other hearts to see. To provoke hearts to see how double-minded we are when we work.

Martha had an opportunity to worship in her work. JESUS was actually in her house!!!! I so wish the story went down in Luke like this:

“Martha was busy with many preparations as she listened to the Lord. In her heart she worshipped him for His enabling her to enjoy her work as an act of service to him. Martha offered the fruit of her work in her heart and the Lord ate and was satisfied. Even as Mary sat at the Lord’s feet, Martha was not resentful but grateful to have this opportunity to serve the Lord Christ. She worshipped with her hands, with her heart.”

But alas, the Lord saw fit to have another story–the true story of Martha’s heart–her battle with work. It is my battle too. I long to worship Jesus in my work.

The Reminder of Grace is that my Lord is slow to anger and abounding in love for me. He knows my struggle. He knows my personality tendencies. He is loving me graciously in revealing to me how to work hard to His Glory and not to my own.

Work as Worship

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Work as Worship

Colossians 3:23-25 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

I love the feeling of laying down in my bed at night with my husband. My body sinks in to the mattress and takes a breath. The physical feeling of rest. My days consist of almost constant work. Most of the time, my mind feels satisfied for a job well done. I find work to be rewarding. My children, husband, and home functions because of me. I feel needed and happy about that.

Here is my question: am I working heartily? Yes.
But, am I working for the Lord- truly? Maybe.
What is my reward? Well, if I am working for myself, my reward is satisfaction unto myself. My motives are to be a good wife, mom, or even a “good Christian woman.”If I am truly working heartily unto the Lord, my heart’s motives are directed unto God. So, “In Christ” I see work as worship.

Proverbs 14:1The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.

So, what does it mean to work as worship? We are created to be worshippers, so in everything, we worship. Too often, my motives, are self-worship.To listen to praise music while you do dishes doesn’t necessarily translate into working as worship. (however, your heart may be pure in doing that!) A woman who tells herself to worship in work- pushes herself to “happy thoughts” flips on the christian music, yet folly may still be in her heart. She could very well be cursing her work (under her breath) -angry that she can’t be doing something more enjoyable. Yet, her behavior is scratching at the surface of heart change.

Heart change may look like- admitting to God and others she resists work. Then, doing it out of obedience. Then again, humbly talking to the Lord about the heart resistance. When she works, she knows her struggle to worship in work is confessed. In geniune heart change, under the behavior you see the struggle. You see honesty and humility.

It is easy for me to think about Work as Worship- because I enjoy it. My disconnect is caught up in heart motivations. My depravity says, ” Do it! You feel great about yourself!” Yet, “In Christ,” I am able to work heartily knowing that the glory for a job well done, ONLY goes to God. And that I don’t work for man or myself, but my Lord. And- the only reward that changes me is the reward from God.

God’s Contraconditional Love

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” The Gospel is better than unconditional love. The Gospel says, “God accepts you just as Christ is. God has ‘contraconditional’ love for you.” Christ bears the curse you deserve. Christ is fully pleasing to the Father and gives you His own perfect goodness. Christ reigns in power, making you the Father’s child and coming close to you to begin to change what is unacceptable to God about you. God never accepts me “as I am.” He accepts me “as I am in Jesus Christ.” The center of gravity is different. The true Gospel does not allow God’s love to be sucked into the vortex of the soul’s LUST for acceptability and worth in and of itself. Rather, it radically decenters people- what the Bible calls “fear of the Lord: and “faith”- to look outside themselves. ”
-taken from the Journal of Biblical Counseling Volume 13- number 2- Winter 1995- author- David Powlison

I read this recently and am still setting in the beauty and the truth of it. The world loves to tell me messages like, “I love you unconditionally, you could never do anything to keep me from loving you!” It comforts a heart yearning for acceptance. I know that I am God’s daughter and fully loved. Yet, in my sin, not accepted. My sin is not acceptable. However, “In Christ,” I am acceptable.

But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. Romans 8:10

The cross isn’t just a demonstration that God loves me, says Powlison. It loses its force as the substitutionary atonement by the perfect Lamb in my place, who invites me repentance for heart-pervading sin.

Life and freedom and GRACE is found only at the cross of Jesus. It is repentance to see sin, to confess, to walk in the light(sharing struggles with others), and experience heart change. But, what is the goal of it?

1 Peter 1:8 Though you have not seen him, you love him Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, 9obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

There will always be more sin to see. Lately, there is more sin to deal with in my heart that is acutally possible to understand. Yet, God promises me that I am righteous, “In Christ!”

Reminder of grace: Ephesians 2: 4But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5even when we were dead in our trespasses made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— 6and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in not your own doing; it is the gift of God!

As I ponder the riches of the Cross, I am in awe of my Lord Jesus’ gifts to me, even today. I am thankful that God’s love is contraconditional, that “in Christ,” I am accepted, holy, righteous, whole, loved, beautiful, and it is all GRACE.

Ministry Burning a Hole in My Pocket

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I don’t save money. As soon as I get a few bucks, I know exactly where, what, and when I will get it the item at the top of the list…
I realized today- ministry is like this for me. I love staying busy. I love projects. I love helping, serving, and teaching. You know, the “important” things. Dang. My depravity leaks out again.

Thank God for a good friend, who said, “Do you think ministry won’t be there, when your kids are older?” I struggle not doing more in ministry now, because I love serving with my husband and being on the “front lines,” so to speak.

I am passionate about my children, my home, my husband, yet I get bored. Where is the next “big thing?” The next project, the next curriculum to write? Seriously, when I get bored, I write curriculum. It is hard to see that one as sin, because I am immersed in the Word. But, I am starting to see more about how discontent I can grow as my selfish ambition sides with my passion.

Is it enough for me that my savior delights in me? Psalm 41 11By this I know that you delight in me: my enemy will not shout in triumph over me.12But you have upheld me because of my integrity, and set me in your presence forever.

Work or Worship?
Selfish Ambition or peaceful contentment?