How do any of us survive the threats of life and believe that we are safe? I needed a shelter from the storm. I longed for help. My rescuer was near.

Psalm 46:1. God is our refuge and strength, a very present help is trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea...

Exhausted and weak, something shifted in my heart. As unsurmountable trouble in my home attempted to steal my hope in God, it felt as if the earth was giving way. God was inviting me to find safety in his arms. Scared and tenderly calling out for help…

I had to fight fear with fear of the Lord.

God ignited a fight in my heart to not give in to fear, but to trust his love to protect me. Beautifully, God showed me that He is all that I have. All other potential saviors were stripped away. False hopes, security, love, comfort– all absent. I realized that it was just me and Jesus. Suddenly, my heart filled with hope. If all I had was Jesus, I had everything. Jesus is God and he loves me. He is my rescuer, redeemer, and very present help in trouble.

Twenty years ago now, though I remember it like it was yesterday. Joy replaced the darkness in my heart. I ran to my refuge. I still struggle with fear. But, with God himself as my shield my battle is always won. Fear of the Lord is a beautiful and brutal battle of the heart. As long as I live, fears of this life will try to threaten my safe place of trusting God. Fighting is believing that Christ has already won the battle and I believe Jesus will continue to redeem my heart in the midst of it.

Are you fighting fear with fear in the Lord? He is your refuge and very present help in trouble!

God is paying attention to me and is working on ME.

Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Growing up without a father, my view of “dad” was full of uncertain and painful experiences with men who pledged short term love to my mother, me and my sister.  I grew cold to the desire.  As I grew “in Christ”, my understanding of God the Father became more theological– than a realization of my heart’s plea. The thoughts of God being a dad paying attention to the details of my heart seemed amazingly unreal. Yet, over time, I have started to cling to Him like a toddler pulling on her daddy’s leg.
God is lovingly correcting my view of “Father” not by redeeming my earthly experience first, but by teaching me that my understanding of him as Father should be a biblical view.

He is a Faithful Dad and delights in His kids.

Philippians 2:12-14 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now not only as in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

I work out salvation with fear of the Lord, as he delights in me.  I delight in God as I grow in worship. As I do my work, I am often nearsighted and only see it as tasks and duties, yet God is showing me that I do not do my work on my own, it is God willing and working with His magnificent power and attention to details of my heart. I can cry, “Abba,” and he never forsakes my need.

His steadfast love never leaves me- even when I sin– he is with me.

Psalm 147:11 The Lord takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love

As I repent of independence from Him and instead walk in dependence, God is softening the hard edges of my heart. I tremble with belief that He is more holy than I could ever imagine as a Father. My heart is hoping in steadfast love and rejoices that I am his daughter.

I struggle with loneliness occasionally and wonder if what I experience is just a taste of the daily desires that so many people live with. The desire to be with someone can tempt us to “wander in the desert” searching for anything to satisfy. Other comforts, relationships, whet our appetite but are not truly satisfying. Searching for intimacy, we settle for idolatry.

God has been reclaiming His place in my heart, my view of what “Father” looks like. I have been growing in a richer understanding of the presence of God, and feeling a deep joy of seeing Father God as my precious dad. Clinging to my Dad’s leg, like a toddler, my heart is starting to comprehend the intimacy I can have with Abba.

Psalm 121 is great comfort for the lonely heart. As our shadows are always with us, so is our God. In the details and empty spaces of our days, God is present.

¹I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
²My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.

³He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
⁴Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
⁶The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

⁷The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
⁸The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

He is our Companion, Keeper, Help, and Comfort. If you are feeling lonely and empty, know that the Lord is with you.

My Journey…

Looking back to a distant story, I see sadness and grief -for a little girl who was left alone to grow. She was lied to, spit upon as though a fool, and handed over to enemies. She is but a fuzzy memory. I cry for her confusion, for her innocence, her betrayal.

I see a glorious Redeemer snatching this girl up, hiding her under His wing, wiping tears from her gentle cheek and securing her in his love. I see her take a breath for the first time. She is safe. He is her new Father, who will never leave, and a parent who always tells her the truth.

She endures the lie for a life- with her redeemer comforting, protecting her heart, giving her what she needed to survive.

Then, I see this growing up girl shaking that Redeemer’s hand off of her hand, as he tries to walk with her as she grows, she knows he loves her, yet she has a better way to deal with her pain. She denies his presence, and in His face she mocks him with her independent and arrogant passion to be “somebody.” A proud vow to be a good person.

Faithful as the Redeemer always is, he hangs back and lets her discover that she is in desperate need of Him. She turns and sees him standing there, arm’s open. She runs into his arms, repenting of her foolish pride.

I see this girl, now grown up, straining forward not looking back, pretending that she wasn’t that little abandoned girl, she pretends and continues to strive for peace, yet it is half hearted. Her Redeemer again faithfully holds her hand and shows her her heart and to walk in both the knowledge of her pain and suffering and her repentance of sin, that she is a whole woman, and her pain is not ignored. She grieves for the first time, thru her weakness, her desperate need.

She is running, she has a group of people with her. A fiercely faithful Godly man with his hand in hers, women running behind her, and four little children, running on the sidelines. She isn’t alone. She realizes that she needs them. She is weak with delight and her heart is softened. Her Redeemer is always there, always giving her direction on where the journey is going. She doesn’t doubt him or shake his hand off anymore. She can breathe deep breaths of relief that though she tried, he hasn’t let her make him leave her.

The miracle of her heart and her healing is only her redeemer’s work, she calls his name as much as she can! She runs, she journeys, she sometimes doesn’t even see the road, yet he guides her.

She trips over rocks and falls down as the journey has unexpected twists and hurdles. The Redeemer has taught her to look up first before she picks herself up and look for his hand to help her. She cries that He never leaves, no matter how many times, she forgets to look for his hand.

Her sin, her heart, are constantly being forgiven, and loved as she journeys. She runs, trying not to stop. She isn’t alone and will never be. She can always trust her Redeemer. His love is steadfast and pure.

Thank you, Jesus for Redeeming ME. I can breathe now. My heart is overwhelmed at your gift to me.

I praise you, my redeemer, for saving me from myself. and blessing me beyond what I could ever dream.  30 years down, many more to go, for you Lord Jesus to get your glory.

Some people assume that since we are a people who are totally depraved, the issues of the heart will only reveal sin, so what is the point of delving into the motivations of the heart? The point is not to explain or prove sin. I know I am a sinner. Yet, in understanding my heart and my sin, the Gospel is real. I see my continual need (desperate need) for a redeemer, to wash my heart, clean. Only Christ can make that happen.

While, I am “in Christ,” as a Christian, my life is a battle to claim His righteousness and to walk in repentance for sin. To celebrate what Jesus has done on the cross for me and you.

Take my work: Two distinct motivations could alter my behavior dramatically. Fear of man and fear of God. Both can produce the same behavior yet my heart is not changed.

If I have a heart motivator of fear of man in my work, this is what my heart looks like:

• driven to please others
• concerned with outward appearances more than love and inward affections
• performance to impress: my kids, my husband, my friends, family, etc.
• controlling environment attain a false satisfaction
• controlling people to attain a false contentment
• using things and people to make my self feel good about myself
• caring too much about the opinion of others or myself
• unrealistic standards for home, productivity, relationships that is law driven not Grace driven, legalism!
• producing results for praise from man
• doing tasks for accomplishment and duty

These heart motivators produce:

1. Unrighteous anger for any block from standards or productivity to happen.
2. Disappointment when praise from man doesn’t happen
3. Bad feelings about self- when tasks don’t happen
4. inflexibility, irritability
5. shame if identity rests on performance

In contrast, thru repentance fear of God in my work looks like:

• desiring first to please God in work
• aware of God in the details
• depending on God in the details
• gentleness and self control
• quiet whispers of prayers when confrontation of interuptions happen
• tender-hearted conversations that come at the suprise moments
• giving God the credit in my heart for a completed task or simply Him enabling me to do anything
• showing people near me my need for Christ to do anything
• confessing sin quickly

These heart motivations produce:

1. Meekness
2. Humility
3. Self-control
4. Kindness
5. Love
6. Worship

Just to name a few!

Again, my battle, my war with work is to WORSHIP my God in my work. To see Jesus in my laundry, my children’s eyes, to love Jesus with my hands and most importantly, my heart!

Worship is a war. Who is fighting?

But I am starting to grasp that Margaret isn’t the answer. I am starting to understand what Jesus meant when he said, “Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken from her.”

Martha:
All of my Christian life, I have heard about the differences between Martha and Mary. Often it is suggested that Martha is the stressed out sister concerned about tasks. She can’t relax because “there is much to be done.” Martha works hard but seems to lack the peace and worship that goes with working heartily unto the Lord. When God himself is a guest in her home she can’t even handle the pressure to perform the tasks. It seems as though that is all she is concerned with–the preparations. Check her out:

Luke 10:38-42 Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

Martha is distracted.
Distracted. Hmmm. Who does this resonate with? Me! For sure. I often find myself BUSY with much serving. Distracted from what? Why was Martha, or any of us, distracted? We think that what we’re doing is most important: the tasks and preparations. Jesus told Martha that she was anxious and troubled about many things. What was she troubled by? I can answer for myself. When I am like Martha–when I am not worshipping in work but JUST working–I am busy, frustrated, fast, and resentful. I resent it if my husband is in the room and not helping out in some way. My heart is troubled by the tasks yet to be done. I’m ticked that I have to do it all. Maybe I’m trying to enjoy the preparations. Yet inside my heart I’m looking for any opportunity to complain that I am going it alone. How foolish and self-focused I can be.

Martha is a tattle teller.
My kids do this all the time. They get frustrated and sin in their anger with their siblings because some offense has been done. Most of the time the other sibling has not sinned against the tattler. The tattler just wants their way.

Can’t you just picture Martha quietly working, yet raging in her heart? Her rage got the best of her. She wanted Mary to help her! Mary just sat there and listened to Jesus. Martha may have started out with a pure heart. She may have had a desire to be hospitable to the Lord, make him food, serve him. So when did her desire to serve turn to sin?

Again, imagine yourself, imagine me. I am working in the kitchen. I start preparing, and my heart is delighted that I have all the ingredients to make a delicious dinner for my family. I am chopping and peaceful. My husband walks in, kisses my cheek. He goes about his business. My kids start getting loud in the living room. I stop chopping and attend to their arguments. Then the baby cries. She needs breastfed. The preparations for this amazing meal have to stop.

Enter: my depravity. Why can’t I just get that done? Why do these kids need me too? Oh, but I love my children… Why does it take so long to make a dinner! I wish I could just focus. I say a prayer while nursing my baby and another riot breaks out among the other kids. My husband deals with that one. Thank you! Ok, back to busy preparations. I turn on some music to lighten the attitude in the air, denying the war in my heart. The kids start dancing in the kitchen. I take a break to dance too. They see this opportunity to ask me for a snack. Can’t they see I am making an amazing dinner!? If I could just finish it, they would be happy! I would be happy! Why?

Question! What God am I serving?

The war that was raging in me suggests that the god I am serving is The God of Accomplishment and Tasks. I am worshipping the God of self–me.

Martha was worshipping herself, not Jesus.
At some point, Martha transferred her worship from God to Self. God was actually in HER LIVING ROOM. I can’t believe her! How could she do this??? She could’ve set at His feet too and worshipped him, yet the war in her heart raged. She thought serving busily was the right thing to do. She eventually resented her sister. This sin developed because Martha’s heart wasn’t worshipping in work.

As I just shared, I do the same thing. I tattle-tell in my heart. I complain to God for the people in the house that take me from the more important things, the tasks. Martha complained to the Lord in person. But I do it too–in my heart. I have the same divided heart, tattle-telling while thinking I am serving with a pure heart.

The easy and false remedy for this heart issue would be simple behavior change: abandon tasks and enjoy relationship. Just throw preparations and work out the door and “Let the Good Times Roll!” Chill out, play, enjoy one another, read all the time, listen to preaching, sing worship songs, and give affection to everyone all the time, without doing tasks. I don’t think that is what Jesus is saying.

Martha didn’t choose the good portion.
Jesus told Martha, “but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” He was saying Mary made a choice. This is huge.

It is common to make this about Mary’s personality, thinking of her as “relationship gal.” She sets at Jesus’ feet and she probably is the kind of gal that loves people well. It is easy to imagine the stereotype of a good time gal that works when it is necessary, but has a lot of friends and would choose going out on the town to party instead of getting five loads of laundry done and the floors mopped. We will talk about Mary later, but my point is that Martha could’ve made a choice. Do I make the right choices?

I am not promoting a legalistic work model for a woman, here. By confessing my own sin, I desire to provoke other hearts to see. To provoke hearts to see how double-minded we are when we work.

Martha had an opportunity to worship in her work. JESUS was actually in her house!!!! I so wish the story went down in Luke like this:

“Martha was busy with many preparations as she listened to the Lord. In her heart she worshipped him for His enabling her to enjoy her work as an act of service to him. Martha offered the fruit of her work in her heart and the Lord ate and was satisfied. Even as Mary sat at the Lord’s feet, Martha was not resentful but grateful to have this opportunity to serve the Lord Christ. She worshipped with her hands, with her heart.”

But alas, the Lord saw fit to have another story–the true story of Martha’s heart–her battle with work. It is my battle too. I long to worship Jesus in my work.

The Reminder of Grace is that my Lord is slow to anger and abounding in love for me. He knows my struggle. He knows my personality tendencies. He is loving me graciously in revealing to me how to work hard to His Glory and not to my own.